For Mom

So this will be my first Mothers Day without my mom and I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it.

I know that sometimes when I look through catalogs I will spot something I think she would like and there is a moment before I realize that I can no longer buy her things.

I know that I will hear a story about a TV show she likes and there is a moment when I am ready to call and tell her about it before I realize she isn’t there to call.

I know that sometime I will be out running errands near where she lives and there is a moment where I think I should swing by to see if she is hungry before I realize there will be no more lunch dates.

I know that sometime while making one of my mom’s recipes I will forget how much of something to add and I will reach for the phone before I realize that I should have written lots of things down when I could have.

I know that when my children reach milestones, or holidays come and go, or others post family photos I feel something is missing and I know it’s her presence.

So when Mother’s Day arrived this year and I didn’t feel a wave of sadness and grief, I was feeling confused and a little guilty. Then, I thought about it and I realized that I feel ripples of that sadness every day whether it’s this Sunday or last Tuesday. Today is just another day without her and I miss her all over again.